The 5 Stages of Grief – And Having MY 6

The 5 Stages of Grief – And My Personal 6th Stage: Resilience

Grief is a complex journey, one that has shaped my life profoundly. The well-known five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—each played a significant role in my story. But through my experiences, I’ve discovered a sixth stage, one that is crucial for moving forward: resilience.

Denial

Losing my parents at a young age shattered my world. Denial was my first response, a shield against the overwhelming reality of my loss. My grandparents, who had always been my pillars, stepped in to raise me. Yet, despite their love and care, I often found myself pretending my parents were just away on a long trip. This denial became a coping mechanism, helping me navigate a childhood marked by absence.

Anger

Anger soon followed. I was furious at the world, at the unfairness of it all. Why did I have to lose my parents? Why did my life have to be so different from everyone else's? This anger simmered beneath the surface, affecting my relationships and my ability to trust. As I grew older, this anger transformed into a more generalized resentment toward life and the multiple traumas I faced, including the suicide of my mom.

Bargaining

In my teenage years, I found myself bargaining with a higher power, with fate, with anyone who would listen. If only I could have one more day with my mom, one more conversation with my dad. I made promises to be better, to be stronger, hoping that somehow this would bring them back or make life easier. It was a desperate attempt to regain control in a world that felt completely out of my control.

Depression

Depression was a long and dark tunnel that seemed to have no end. The weight of my losses, compounded by the deaths of several other family members and friends, left me numb. I became adept at dissociating, at leaving my body to avoid feeling the pain. The trauma of my mother’s suicide was a turning point, creating a deep chasm in my heart that I didn’t know how to bridge.

Acceptance

Acceptance came slowly, and it was far from linear. Meeting and marrying the love of my life, Steven, a US Marine, brought moments of joy and hope. We had three beautiful children together, and I tried to surface, to breathe, but often felt like I was just going through the motions. The lockdown period was particularly challenging. Planning our postponed wedding in my grandparents' backyard was stressful, and an argument with Steven led me to the river, where I was severely assaulted. I locked this trauma away, never speaking of it again, and it became a cold case not only in the community, but in my mind.

Our wedding took place six weeks later, followed by a honeymoon that felt surreal. But soon after, I began to unravel. I lost friends, dyed my hair pink, and spiraled into a breakdown. I became pregnant with our fourth child, and the anxiety became unbearable. I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), a condition that affects blood flow and can lead to dizziness and fainting.

Resilience

Resilience is my sixth stage of grief, a stage that has been crucial for my healing journey. The trauma I experienced triggered memories of childhood abuse by my stepfather, memories I had buried deep. The move to Florida only exacerbated my feelings of isolation and loss. I spiraled into self-harm, and my husband had to quit his coastal job to take care of me. Traditional therapy didn’t work, so I turned to somatic experiencing, pain-target therapy, and hypnosis.

Through these methods, I began to heal from traumas I didn’t even know I had. I learned that the body stores trauma and that my self-harm was a way of releasing it. It was a difficult road, but with Steven’s unwavering support, I began to find my way back.

Now, I am studying how to help others heal and find their own resilience. I am currently grieving the loss of my grandpa, a monumental loss that has stirred up all my past grief. But this time, I am coping healthily. I’ve allowed myself to feel the pain, to cry, to rest. I’ve spent weeks in my bedroom, processing my emotions. And now, I am ready to pull myself up once more and finish my story.

I am ready to help others navigate the six stages of grief. Resilience is not about bouncing back to who you were before the loss; it’s about integrating the pain into your life and growing stronger from it. It’s about finding the strength to move forward, even when the weight of grief feels unbearable. And it’s about discovering that, despite everything, you have the power to heal.