Loud

I try to do whatever I can to quiet my thoughts, but often, nothing works.

The television, music..anything I can find to drown out the deafening noise of my mind.

They may distract it, but my beautiful brain is still going full speed ahead.

I tell myself that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, but my heart won’t rest and my thoughts never quit.

I replay where I’ve been and what’s happened,

probably too much

the turns and twists of relationships, and still, I lie there and stare at the ceiling..

Consumed by the relentless overthinking that is in my way.

I can’t remember a time when I could turn off my mind, and I’ve come to accept that’s just who i am..

But when my heart battles my mind at night, it can become almost overwhelming.

My head tells me to let it go, make peace with the broken road I’ve traveled, but my heart won’t let me.

It tells me to keep fighting, to hold on, that if i could just love myself a fraction of the amount of love i put into others maybe just maybe things would be different.

I can’t help but cry in these times when everything inside me is at war with who I am.

And the things that made me this way.

The tears flow as I fight to regain my composure, but it’s impossible sometimes to keep it together.

I caved today and picked my skin.

I've been doing so good, and now another scar to add to the map across my body of where my heart has been.

Recovery isn't linear. I haven't been putting in my inner work like I should.

Fuck.

Maybe when I get up tomorrow, I’ll feel better or have some ideas about what I should do, but right now, I just feel utterly lost.

Conflict wages inside every corner of me, with no end in sight.

I just want..peace.

I close my eyes and think back to simpler times when my brain and body didn't thrive off being in pain.

Saddest part is it that it's hard to remember when that even was.

I find myself slowly drifting off as those warm thoughts wrap around me like a comforting blanket, giving me much needed peace.

As my heart and mind slow, my dreams whisk me away to a more serene place and my last thought before succumbing to exhaustion is but a simple wish..

Maybe tomorrow, somehow, I’ll find my way to a happier place..and there,

I’ll remember what it means to be content again..where my mind and heart can finally agree with what’s best for me and finally end this decade long battle with myself.

Until then, I’ll just do what I can with what I have

I'll write and write some more and try to be a voice for others that hopefully one day I will listen to my damn self.

And the simple reminder that gives me solace if but for a moment as I drift off:

It’s always darkest before dawn.

I know that tomorrow will have to be a better day..

Tomorrow I will be different. I'll do yoga and somatic stretches and work harder to be a better, healthier me.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

For me, for now, that will have to be enough.